Analysing the grief.

I am really pissed off at what Virginia said about my grief not being real. Add in "All about me Alayne's" being more interested in herself than me, but that's normal and doesn't bother me as much. Whenever I think I am over the grief, things come back and I find I am about ready to break up. Not without good reason.

I dug around the house to find Laci's book to fill it in given that Honey's death only acted to emphasise that whatever time I will have with her will not be enough. I am thoroughly convinced that Honey died before her time. Well, she could have lived longer under different circumstances. One of those having been that she stayed with me. I was always able to give her much more time than Virginia could. Honey was depressed from being alone again. She was a different dog the last time I saw her: definitely not as cheerful as she was when we were all together.

I have also been looking at the pictures and home movies of Honey and Laci. It was a revelation since I saw that Laci and I have done quite a few things together. Different things than what I did with Honey. Laci is a well traveled dog. Not as well traveled as I would have liked, but we have done a lot of things together.

One of the things I was thinking was causing this grief to be so deep was that I thought I might be blurring Laci and Honey. But looking at the pictures, I don't think that is as much the case. Laci has done quite a few of the things that I did with Honey with the exception of going to Morristown. In fact, Laci has done a lot more than Honey ever did. The quality of our adventures has been pretty good. Although, I do have to miss those long Saturday trips with the opera on the radio.

Laci and Honey (add in Dhyanna) were my dogs. We had bonded, which even Virginia knew. After the Nurse Honey incident, I realised that dogs are indeed the best companion animals. Humans and dogs have a lot in common in that we are pack animals. Honey and I bonded in more ways than I can probably imagine: Although I do know a few of them. Virginia knew I bonded with Honey and that we had an "interspecies love affair".

Unless you have been really touched by animal, you will take that last phrase in a really sick way. Those who know how close humans and animals can become will understand exactly what I mean. And even though I have had a lot of dogs in my life who were significant, Honey was my first love. That little dog meant a lot to me. And like all first loves, no other seems as good in comparison (sorry, Laci and Dhyanna). Honey was my shadow. Maybe I am making it into more than it was, but there was some pretty serious bonding that went on there.

And I am the first to want to call them companion animals rather than pets because that is what they are: Companion. I spent as much time as I could with Honey and did the things which bonded us: walking and hunting. I shared my food with her and pampered her. Honey was the first dog to pretty much be with me all the time: being carried surreptitiouslyin the Sherpa bag into cinemas, restaurants, stores, etcetera. The only thing I haven't done for her or Laci is to find someone to stay with them when I will be out more than a couple of hours a day. I have a friend who lives in town that does that sometimes, but Jean isn't always around.

I can say a lot of the same things about Laci that I can about Honey, but Laci doesn't seem as demonstrative about her affections. At least, that is how i feel when she puts her butt in my face. I know Laci feels the affection as well as Honey did, but it just doesn't feel as strong. It was probably because I treated Honey like the companion animal she was rather than a thing. Honey reveled in the fact that someone was paying her attention, where Laci it's a normal thing. It's that show dog bullshit that made Honey feel so special because I loved her for being her (so much for Virginia's "warts and all comment")*.

People who know the dog show circus know what I am talking about. The person I got Laci from was going to show her, but decided not to. She said:

It's good to know that Laci is so loved by you & I am sure she is much happier chasing squirrels than being at shows all day sitting in a crate most of the time.

We retired all our guys after a couple of years, bred them 2 times & have not shown anything for the last few years. I think my friend Sandy was right all along, showing dogs is just a beauty pageant & most of the dogs hate it anyway.

I like my fur kids better when I am just able to love them & play with them.

Even though breeders love their dogs, there is still that objectifying of the animal. That was really true in Virginia's case. She wanted a champion show dog to breed. Honey was a champion, the champion of my heart. I bought her a little trophy that said "champion" for just that reason. But Virginia wanted something official that said "Champion" even if it wasn't something Honey wanted.

I remember one dog show where Honey pissed on the seat of the rented car. My guess was that she was so nervous about what was going to go on. I don't blame the poor girl.

The ultimate upshot of this was that Honey would have preferred that the pack remain together, but if it didn't I am pretty sure she would have preferred being with the person who would give her the time, love, and attention she needed. Of course, that person was me. Maybe the first sentence in this paragraph is the real key to one thing that would have kept Honey alive longer: a happy pack.

The other thing that killed off Honey was moving to South Carolina, which was a place that didn't agree with her. She was uncomfortable there. You can see her (and Laci) panting in the heat below. Honey tried to hide from the heat and the sun on that hike, which was not typical for that little trooper.

But what really killed her were the brown recluse spiders as she was bitten twice. The last time was fatal.

Anyway, the people who knew Honey and me know that my grief is very real and very deep. Friends have said to tell Virginia to stick it. My opinion was that Honey was the last connection Virginia had that she could use on me. And trust me, she did use it to try and get money from me. That bond is broken.

But, I still wish Honey were on this earth to live a long and happy life, but I guess her life was no longer happy.

Well, Honey, you may be with us in spirit because there were loads of squirrels in the square for Laci to chase even though there were plenty of other dogs. I saw and played with a young pup, and I wished her a long and happy life. And I like to think that you are with me in spirit, but that really isn't a substitute for you actually being with me. And even though I will see you again at the rainbow bridge, that seems too long a time for me. Besides, I would like to give you the quality time I did when we were together.

This is getting hard to write because i am crying.

I really miss you Honey. I will always love you little girl.

Editorial comment, the "This is getting hard to write because i am crying" will stay the way it was because it was hard to write the last two lines.

* Honey was a hairless dog. Actually worse, a hairy hairless dog which meant she looked like she had a skin condition that caused her hair to fall out. I still saw her inner beauty.