Showing posts with label retroactive baptism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label retroactive baptism. Show all posts

03 January 2010

Retroactive Baptism

Cousin Avi had a debate with a Mormon missionary about this topic where he: "mentioned that I was a little offput by the Mormon’s posthumous baptism of Jews killed in the camps."

Well, it seems my extremely distant cousin was correct: "Baptism for the dead does not change anything for the person unless they choose to accept that ordinance. It simply makes it possible for the dead to accept baptism if they want it. It's entirely their choice."

It's not forcing dead people to accept Mormonism: it gives them a choice if they are dead.

Unfortunately, the most important fact about this topic seems to be left out: the polygamous sex in the afterlife! I hope that when they tell Rabbi Nachman of Breslau that he has been converted and he is sitting in hell that he has the option of spending the rest of eternity in hell, or spending it in a mormon heaven of blonde shiksas who will have polygamous sex with him.

I'm fairly sure the wise Rebbe would have no problem making up his mind as to what he would choose in that situation.

Anyway, this is a bit like Descartes belief on God, there may not be one, but it doesn't hurt to believe. So, Mormons may be way off, but I know what I'm gonna choose if they are right. How could you pass up polygamous sex in the afterlife with Marie Osmond and Debbie Fields if they are willing to do things that would make pornstars such as Juli Ashton blanche?

And God proves his love by giving me a chance to accept it after I've seen he's right.

Now, that's what I call Heaven!

A really good source on this topic is:
http://www.jefflindsay.com/LDSFAQ/FQ_BaptDead.shtml

So, don't knock it if they are baptising holocaust victims. Shouldn't they have chance at a heaven of polygamous sex with hot and horny shiksas?

09 December 2009

This could get me to convert to Mormonism.

Naw, I don't mean Orgazmo is my local Mormon Missionary. No it seems that if you become a Mormon and go through all the stuff Mormons believe you can have Polygamous sex in heaven for all eternity!



The Best bit is that through retroactive baptism that you have all the benefits of Mormonism in the afterlife! It seems that if you are retroactively baptised (my info is at the Mormon Church) that you will be given a choice when you are dead. So, if you are in Hell, you can say: "you bet your ass I'll be a Mormon."

I imagine Hell is filled with assholes like Jerry Falwelll and similar fundamentalist shitheads.

I mean hot polygamous Sex with Mrs. Fields for all eternity! Hell, that's better than having Orgazmo as your Mormon Missionary!

Shit, she should get out there and spread the word as a missionary that Heaven is an eternity of hot polygamous sex if you're a Mormon! You bet your ass it is, toots!

I'll nibble her cookies for the rest of eternity!

Now, where do I sign up to become a Mormon?

Also, Will Mitt Romney reveal this bit of Mormon doctrine when he runs in 2012? There might be a renewed interest in the Mormon Church if they do.

And you thought the Osmonds were squeaky clean! Ha!