More Honey

I just received a message from Virginia that she sent me by mistake. At least, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt here since she may have hit reply not realising that I forwarded the message. Anyway, it said:

Thanks for kind condolences on my loss of Escapades Sweet Honey B. Michael is all over the internet about her loss, but hasn't laid eyes on her in five years. Go figure. I guess we do what we have to do.

I am sorry you lost one of your girls. Was it Tess?

email me at XXXXXXXX@gmail .com

Yours truly, Virginia

I am obviously feeling better since this pisses me off, but not to the extent her last message did.

What really upsets me is that Virginia said "no" when I asked if she was going to get another dog. Her reason was that the dog would be left alone all day. Well, she pretty much knew that Honey would probably be left alone all day when she left to move to South Carolina.

Now, why pull an animal from a house where it is getting loads of attention and you know it will be taken good care of: Especially if you know you won't be able to give it that type of attention?

Feeling better

I have to admit to beginning to feel normal again. It is coming up on a week since Honey died.

I went to one of the places in the country we used to walk, which was near a place called "Honey Hollow"! Once, we were walking along the canal and there was a snake sunning itself across the path. I grabbed a stick and flipped the snake into the canal. Honey was very impressed! The thought of going there was very strong and it helped with the grief. Actually, we used to drive around on our adventures in that part of the world which was cathartic.

Anyway, I plan on doing a rainbow bridge ceremony tonight.

Analysing the grief.

I am really pissed off at what Virginia said about my grief not being real. Add in "All about me Alayne's" being more interested in herself than me, but that's normal and doesn't bother me as much. Whenever I think I am over the grief, things come back and I find I am about ready to break up. Not without good reason.

I dug around the house to find Laci's book to fill it in given that Honey's death only acted to emphasise that whatever time I will have with her will not be enough. I am thoroughly convinced that Honey died before her time. Well, she could have lived longer under different circumstances. One of those having been that she stayed with me. I was always able to give her much more time than Virginia could. Honey was depressed from being alone again. She was a different dog the last time I saw her: definitely not as cheerful as she was when we were all together.

I have also been looking at the pictures and home movies of Honey and Laci. It was a revelation since I saw that Laci and I have done quite a few things together. Different things than what I did with Honey. Laci is a well traveled dog. Not as well traveled as I would have liked, but we have done a lot of things together.

One of the things I was thinking was causing this grief to be so deep was that I thought I might be blurring Laci and Honey. But looking at the pictures, I don't think that is as much the case. Laci has done quite a few of the things that I did with Honey with the exception of going to Morristown. In fact, Laci has done a lot more than Honey ever did. The quality of our adventures has been pretty good. Although, I do have to miss those long Saturday trips with the opera on the radio.

Laci and Honey (add in Dhyanna) were my dogs. We had bonded, which even Virginia knew. After the Nurse Honey incident, I realised that dogs are indeed the best companion animals. Humans and dogs have a lot in common in that we are pack animals. Honey and I bonded in more ways than I can probably imagine: Although I do know a few of them. Virginia knew I bonded with Honey and that we had an "interspecies love affair".

Unless you have been really touched by animal, you will take that last phrase in a really sick way. Those who know how close humans and animals can become will understand exactly what I mean. And even though I have had a lot of dogs in my life who were significant, Honey was my first love. That little dog meant a lot to me. And like all first loves, no other seems as good in comparison (sorry, Laci and Dhyanna). Honey was my shadow. Maybe I am making it into more than it was, but there was some pretty serious bonding that went on there.

And I am the first to want to call them companion animals rather than pets because that is what they are: Companion. I spent as much time as I could with Honey and did the things which bonded us: walking and hunting. I shared my food with her and pampered her. Honey was the first dog to pretty much be with me all the time: being carried surreptitiouslyin the Sherpa bag into cinemas, restaurants, stores, etcetera. The only thing I haven't done for her or Laci is to find someone to stay with them when I will be out more than a couple of hours a day. I have a friend who lives in town that does that sometimes, but Jean isn't always around.

I can say a lot of the same things about Laci that I can about Honey, but Laci doesn't seem as demonstrative about her affections. At least, that is how i feel when she puts her butt in my face. I know Laci feels the affection as well as Honey did, but it just doesn't feel as strong. It was probably because I treated Honey like the companion animal she was rather than a thing. Honey reveled in the fact that someone was paying her attention, where Laci it's a normal thing. It's that show dog bullshit that made Honey feel so special because I loved her for being her (so much for Virginia's "warts and all comment")*.

People who know the dog show circus know what I am talking about. The person I got Laci from was going to show her, but decided not to. She said:

It's good to know that Laci is so loved by you & I am sure she is much happier chasing squirrels than being at shows all day sitting in a crate most of the time.

We retired all our guys after a couple of years, bred them 2 times & have not shown anything for the last few years. I think my friend Sandy was right all along, showing dogs is just a beauty pageant & most of the dogs hate it anyway.

I like my fur kids better when I am just able to love them & play with them.

Even though breeders love their dogs, there is still that objectifying of the animal. That was really true in Virginia's case. She wanted a champion show dog to breed. Honey was a champion, the champion of my heart. I bought her a little trophy that said "champion" for just that reason. But Virginia wanted something official that said "Champion" even if it wasn't something Honey wanted.

I remember one dog show where Honey pissed on the seat of the rented car. My guess was that she was so nervous about what was going to go on. I don't blame the poor girl.

The ultimate upshot of this was that Honey would have preferred that the pack remain together, but if it didn't I am pretty sure she would have preferred being with the person who would give her the time, love, and attention she needed. Of course, that person was me. Maybe the first sentence in this paragraph is the real key to one thing that would have kept Honey alive longer: a happy pack.

The other thing that killed off Honey was moving to South Carolina, which was a place that didn't agree with her. She was uncomfortable there. You can see her (and Laci) panting in the heat below. Honey tried to hide from the heat and the sun on that hike, which was not typical for that little trooper.

But what really killed her were the brown recluse spiders as she was bitten twice. The last time was fatal.

Anyway, the people who knew Honey and me know that my grief is very real and very deep. Friends have said to tell Virginia to stick it. My opinion was that Honey was the last connection Virginia had that she could use on me. And trust me, she did use it to try and get money from me. That bond is broken.

But, I still wish Honey were on this earth to live a long and happy life, but I guess her life was no longer happy.

Well, Honey, you may be with us in spirit because there were loads of squirrels in the square for Laci to chase even though there were plenty of other dogs. I saw and played with a young pup, and I wished her a long and happy life. And I like to think that you are with me in spirit, but that really isn't a substitute for you actually being with me. And even though I will see you again at the rainbow bridge, that seems too long a time for me. Besides, I would like to give you the quality time I did when we were together.

This is getting hard to write because i am crying.

I really miss you Honey. I will always love you little girl.

Editorial comment, the "This is getting hard to write because i am crying" will stay the way it was because it was hard to write the last two lines.

* Honey was a hairless dog. Actually worse, a hairy hairless dog which meant she looked like she had a skin condition that caused her hair to fall out. I still saw her inner beauty.

Celebrating Life!

Patrick is on vacation, which means that I can do what I've been wanting to do the past couple of days: Take a long walk with Laci. The kind of long walk that Honey and I used to do. Well, Laci and I used to do that kind of walk before I met Alayne.

The day couldn't have been better for it as it wasn't too hot. The sun was out and the sky was blue as we made our way to the places where squirrels are. These are places full of memories of Honey and Laci. Laci sort of knew the way we would go as we have walked that way before. It had been a long time since we made that trek. We also did it in a special way since I didn't get upset if Laci stayed to sniff for longer than I liked. This was for both her and Honey.

I took my camera for "kodak moments" as they are what will last longer than Laci may. I am not sure what I would do if I didn't have my pictures of Honey. Even the videos that were taken on digital cameras where you can barely make her out, but you can make out enough of her to bring back memories of our time together and remember what she was like.

Anyway, Honey must have been with us because the squirrels were indeed acting as if they wanted to be chased. We went through the hospital garden on our way to the square where Laci was stalking a squirrel. I wanted a video of her doing that because she has this crouching motion like a wild dog and the squirrel was just standing there like he was posing for the camera.

In the square, there were three squirrels who were just letting Laci chase them. There are only two in the picture of this. But they were just letting Laci chase them. They were back when we returned to head toward a New Age, Mystic Book store so I could buy a candle of something to have a ritual for Honey.

Laci was thirsty and I went down Delancey Street to go to a market to buy a bottle of water for her. I grabbed a little cup that they use for dressing at the salad bar so she cold have a drink and we headed back to the book store, but they are no longer. We went back up to Delancey street to go toward the New Market Headhouse. Laci was happy about that since she knew that there were squirrels on that path, but, alas, they were hiding.

Anyway, I wanted a kodak moment in the headhouse. Laci wasn't being very cooperative when a woman came along to try to help. She told me she had a Yorkie who died, but she replaced it with a new pup. That was the best thing she could have done in her opinion. Anyway, she told me about taking pictures of her pup for a contest. They just kept taking pictures until they got a good one. Eventually, Laci stood still long enough to get this picture.

We walked down to the River, which is something we haven't done in ages. I remember doing it all the time with Honey, but only when I first got Laci five years ago. I let Laci pick whether we would walk down the stairs or the ramp. She chose the ramp. It was funny as she would look back to see I was behind her. There was a large tanker coming down the River as approached. It was really a cool sight.

There were loads of school kids on the walk. Some of them said that Laci was really cute and I thanked them.

Anyway, there was no one on the embarcadero, so I let Laci off the lead to run. She was really happy about that. While it was great doing a city walk, it would have been really great being somewhere Laci could have run. I don't know if Honey was ever let off lead to run, but I imagine she is running in heaven. I hope she is learning to play. Other than a few runners, we were it on the embarcadero. I stopped to give Laci some water and would have loved to have taken a picture. Next time I will remember to take a tripod.

Laci was scared by a float. I am not sure what happened, but she was sniffing behind a storage bin and she leaped. I saw the float there when I walked up.

There was an observation platform at the end of the embarcadero. Laci got there before me. I wondered what she would do. Would she go around and we would have a comic episode as we chase each other around the platform. Instead, Laci waited for me to come around.

When we came to the end of the embarcadero, I picked up Laci to give her love.

There was a couple who were using a camera, I offered to take a picture of them hoping they would reciprocate. The man said something about not being able to see the screen. So we walked on. We went up the stairs to head toward the old park visitor centre which has now become the Living History Centre.

This was a place we would frequent on our walks if only to use the restrooms. I put Laci into the sherpa bag to go inside. They had an exhibit on archaeology and I asked the person there if he had ever seen "Time Team"? He hadn't, but he had heard of it. Too bad as I knew what they were doing from having watched that show.

Anyway, I went into the park and let Laci out of the bag. She was looking for squirrels the whole time. We were both disappointed that there weren't any out, especially at the section where Honey nipped me because I wasn't getting her in quick enough to chase squirrels. That same place had a memory of Laci jumping a small wall like a horse as she chased a squirrel. As I said, I was disappointed that there weren't that many squirrels, but we did find one in the final block of the park before the square. Laci spotted it as soon as we got there. And, like all the other squirrels on this trip, this one wanted to be chased.

We did a final pass through the square on the way to the Whole Foods market. The squirrels were being very cooperative. Likewise, there was one in the hospital garden where we stopped to rest. I let Laci lie down and have some water. I was able to get a picture of us on this trip. We don't look the happiest. I put the camera on a ledge and carried Laci to the bench. Those kodak moments really count when you want to recall the memories.

Anyway, we walked back in front of the historic part of the hospital and I remembered how they once allowed dogs on the grounds, but no longer do. Laci seemed tired and I put her in the Sherpa bag to rest for a bit. I would need to do that anyway as we were going into Whole Foods. I bought some things for tonight's supper.

It was a pleasant walk and a great way to remember Honey. But, I say it a lot, I never really miss Honey since Laci reminds me a lot of her. In fact, Laci is the much better dog. I did well in getting her, but that is the subject of another post, or maybe loads of posts.

Unfortunately, I received a really nasty e-mail from Virginia with this in it in response to my condolences:

You don't share my grief because my grief is real and from the heart. All you have is images in the ether. It is not real life.

Unfortunately, I was so pissed off at this I sent it off to a few people to get their opinions. My wife was upset that I said she wasn't adventurous. Funny, but she has never really done the things I did with Virginia. In fact, she comes up with reasons for hanging around the house.

But, that's a whole nother story!

BITCH FIGHT!

I went back to bed after posting the "if tears could build..." poem on my blog. I was lying on my back with Laci under my left arm and I imagined that I was holding Honey under my right arm. I could feel Honey there and it felt so good.

Honey's real place was in my left arm. Not to mention she would snore. Of course, having her there with me snoring away would be really great. I've always missed our naps together. Laci tends to curl up or put her butt near my face. Honey would put her head on my shoulder. Actually, she would even lie on her back like a human. It would be so comfortable to hear her snoring away right now.

Despite all that dreaming about having Honey back, there is the reality of having two dogs in my life. The major one being the logistics of carrying two dogs in a bag when I go out. Much better that one if I had someone who was a dog lover as a life partner instead of the crazy cat lady.

The reality is that Laci loves being an only dog, which I am pretty sure Honey did as well. Honey despite her apparently sweet nature could be a real bitch (as my dog friends pointed out "they don't call them that for nothing!"). I remember when Laci met Honey and Laci growled at Honey. I said, "Hey, Laci be nice to the old bitch!"

Not that there isn't a part of me who wouldn't mind having Laci, Honey, and Dhyanna back in my life. But I remember how Honey and Dhyanna could fight, which is why Dhyanna went away. I asked Virginia what do I do about Dhyanna. The answer was almost euthanasia, but ended up being almost as bad that Dhyanna was taken to Morris Animal Shelter. Dhyanna was immediately adopted and I visited her at Morris. Dhyanna was glad to see me. I know she knew she was going to a new home, but she was glad to see me. She knew I saved her life.

Anyway, I don't think I could have more than one dog in my life, but it doesn't stop me from missing my old pals and thinking about us being together again.

If tears could build a stairway...

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories were a lane,
I would walk right up to Heaven
To bring you home again.
No farewell's were spoken,
No time for goodbye,
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness,
And secret tears will flow,
What is meant to me to lose you,
No one will ever know.

Author Unknown

Love you Honey!

Work in progress...(more Honey obit)

I've stopped by the office on my way to be conflict counsel at the YSC. There are loads of reasons I would rather not do this with the two major ones being that I am still mourning for Honey and I want to be with Laci. The best tribute to Honey would have been to have taken a long walk with Laci the way I used to walk with Honey. Unfortunately, the weather was too stinking hot to do that. Better yet, a trip to Jockey Hollow for a long walk would have really done the trick for remembering Honey.

One of my memories was when Honey nipped me because we weren't getting into a park where she would chase squirrels as quickly as she wanted. Actually, there were two gates to the park and I made her walk by one to go to another and she nipped me. I did grab her nose and chew her out for that, which was as physical as I got with her. I did spoil Honey.

Honey was an ex-show dog. Virginia liked to boast that Honey was one point short of her championship. Show dogs don't have much of a life. Honey didn't play, hike, or chase squirrels until she met me. The thing was that Honey trained me to do those things by doing her "thing" in the house. So, regular walks became routine. That was prior to my having West Nile and her being "Nurse Honey" and I kind of resented having to walk her. After she nursed me: well, that as they say is history. Rather well known in fact. The sort of thing that got me national attention with Laci. Honey was the first dog I began to spoil rotten, but she was low maintenance as far as that went: clothes, harnesses, leashes, food, and treats. Honey wasn't into playing as much as she was into chasing squirrels. I bought Honey Baa Baa Que treats that she really loved.

I bought Honey as harness, the first of many, because she would pull on the lead as she chased squirrels. You can see how she walked in the Youtube posts of us at Jockey Hollow (search JCMB1 videos or use "Honey Virginia Chinese crested Jockey Hollow" on youtube or google videos). she was an eager hiker walking long trails. Honey used to do the longest trail at Jockey Hollow in Morristown, which is a pretty tough trail. Honey was a real trooper when it came to hiking.

It probably isn't a good idea for me to write this prior to going to work since I am beginning to tear up at the memories. I will work on this later...

Later that day...

It's hard being a "hardened criminal defense attorney on Philadelphia's mean streets" when your eyes are puffy from crying, which writing this was beginning to do to me. I didn't start wailing the way I did yesterday. The really bad thing was that my mind was thinking more about Honey and the adventures we had than what was going on in court.

My mind kept remembering the store in Flemington, NJ called the "Bee Happy Honey House" since Honey's real name was Escapades Sweet Honey B. I remembered how we joked about going in and telling them her name and seeing what they would do. Also, I always thought Honey was pretty happy being with me. She was very happy on our jaunts, especially the weekend ones where we went someplace far from home. What a dumb thing to think about at work.

Honey loved going with us. That was the major reason for getting the sherpa bag: she could go with us most places provided there wasn't security and a prohibition against dogs coming in. Honey would see us getting ready to leave and hope in the sherpa tote. You could tell she wanted to go with us. And, she did go most places with me.

The funniest event was when we were in Nawab Indian Restaurant in Bethlehem. Honey managed to escape from the sherpa bag. She was walking around the restaurant and the owner saw her and gave a startled look. We put her back in the bag, but the owner never said anything. In fact, one of the people who worked there thought it was great that we brought our dog in with us and would ask if we had her. It was sort of a well kept secret that we brought the dog into the restaurant. That was one of the reasons I liked going there. The other was that it was "on our way back" from Morristown--the scenic route.

If you've seen the videos, you know that we loved hiking there as mentioned above. Loads of memories of Jockey Hollow at Morristown. But there were other places we loved to hike: Stover Park/High Rocks, the Delaware Canal, The Raritan and Delaware, Heinz National Wildlife Refuge, and Valley Forge. We used to bike with Honey carried by me in a backpack.

The thing is that I wonder how many of these memories were done with Honey and how many with Laci? The only place I know that Laci hasn't gone to is Morristown: at least to hike. The real thing has come down to all the fun adventures I had with Honey, and by extension: Virginia. My wife is not as adventurous as Virginia was, and I miss the day trips. Alayne talks about doing them, but she is too much of a homebody to leave the house for errands let alone adventures.

Honey was a very special dog. Most people who didn't know her thought she had no personality, but she was a very private dog. I felt very special to be loved by Honey. Chinese Cresteds are kind of like wild dogs. Virginia liked to point out they were aloof with strangers. I found they are very into dog etiquette. They don't like being rushed by strange dogs. Honey was also very alpha in her behaviour. I remember Honey making calming signs (yawning) the day when Virginia left.

My mom shared the memory of when we were in the Design Centre and I had gone out of Honey's sight. She was looking around and trying to find me. Then she realised that I was in the restroom and she stood outside the door waiting for me. Honey and I had bonded pretty tightly. Virginia used to come in on Honey and me napping. We would both be on our backs with Honey in my arms and we would be snoring away!

Also, the best way to bathe a hairless crested was to just take her into the shower with me. I used to joke about taking showers with a cute blonde: too bad she was a dog.

One thing I don't miss was all the dumb comments you get when you have a hairless dog: the usual "that's what they look like when they have a haircut" thing. The worst were the world's ugliest dog type comments. Dave Pearson had a good retort which was that they were magic dogs and what you thought about them was your opinion of yourself. Anyway, Honey had real inner beauty in my opinion. A beauty which could only be known by truly knowing her.

Anyway, I miss my pals and the adventures we had. I hope to one day be able to do them again. But until then, here is Honey and Virginia to say goodbye!

Honey Died RIP (16.09.1995-10.06.2008)

Honey was my ex-girlfriend's Chinese crested hairless that I used to spend my days with when my ex and I were together.

At first, I wasn't so keen on the dog, but I think I had West Nile and she crawled into bed with me. I was better the next day. It turns out that hairless dogs have a reputation for healing properties and are called "fever dogs". After that incident, I began to really like "nurse Honey".

We used to go on long walks and chase squirrels. She was one of the closest things I had to having a child. I have loads of good memories of Honey. we spent loads of time together. It was then that I began to love the Chinese Crested breed. Honey was the first dog to go pretty much everywhere with me, including court!

I remember the time I was cleaning the house and Honey disappeared. I am not sure where she went, but I became really worried when she wouldn't come out. I thought she had escaped the house. Virginia came home and Honey reappeared.

Honey also used to go upstairs to the TV room after dinner and wait for us. It was funny how she would do that.

It was tough when we broke up, but I made sure I had another dog as soon as was possible. Honey was pretty unhappy when the time came that she had to leave as well. I mean, it's tough to lose a constant companion. I wanted another dog to fill that hole in my life. Honey was alone during the days since Virginia had to work.

It has been almost 5 years since I last saw Honey, but I have pictures and memories of her. Hearing she wasn't well was a bit of a foreboding. Honey's mom told me that Honey had congestive heart failure and couldn't be put under anaesthesia a couple of days back. Last night, I pulled Laci close to me "for Honey". Then, I get the news that Honey had died.

Sure, it was someone I hadn't seen in a while, but it was someone I was close to. It was that type of feeling.

I know that my time with Laci will be too short, even if Laci lives for 20 years. I will be very broken up by Laci's passing since I don't think I can ever prepare for the loss of a dear dear friend.

I mean I am broken up about Honey and I haven't seen her in nearly 5 years. I still have the memories and the pictures, but I don't have the dog. But, Honey hasn't physically been in my life since May 2003.

I'd hate to think how I am going to feel about losing a dog who is a real part of my life the way Laci is.

Goodbye, Honey, we miss you!