A couple of spiritual good deals

It seems that one doesn't need to convert to Judaism to get the benefits since it seems there are a couple of categories one can fall into to receive the benefits: Noachide and ger toshav. The last is a kind of green card to the "nation of Israel" that is applied to someone who has married a Jew, or otherwise lives amongst them, but hasn't converted. It seems that only Jews are stuck with being the Chosen People, which seems to be that they do the spiritual scutwork for those of us who aren't Jews.

But for some odd reason some Jews say in their aleinu: shelo asani goy "thank you for not making me a gentile".

The more I know about Judaism, the odder that sounds. We dumb goys are not Chosen to be paragons of virtue, or at least try to be. Naw, it's the Jews who have to keep kosher, keep the 613 mitzvot, and say at least 100 blessings a day!

The next super deal is retroactive, or proxy, baptism. The Mormons will baptise you after you're dead and then give you the option of becoming a Mormon. So, if you are sitting in Hell, someone comes along and tells you that you have been proxy baptised so that you can be a Mormon and go to heaven. I hope they add the bit about Heaven includes polygamous sex when they tell you that you can go there.

So, you don't need to be a Mormon in this life to benefit! Not a bad deal. In fact, you are sitting in Hell, if the Mormons are correct, when you get this option of accepting their baptism. I am not sure how you learn of this when you are dead, but I know full fucking well that I am going to accept that "ordinance". I mean I am in Hell when they break this news to me.

So, it sounds like you can slide through life if you are willing to do the minimum of goodness requisite to be a Noachide or Ger Toshav. And failing that, you can choose to become a Mormon in the afterlife and reap all the bennies (polygamous sex!).

Works for me!