You will be arrested for reading this post

Unlike White Rabbit, these days most of my cases come from perverts who like little children. They tend to have loads of money and don't really relish the idea of going to prison because they are likely to become victims themselves. I feel sorry for the collectors of kiddie porn since most of them are indeed collectors, few actually produce.  I don't have much sympathy for someone who is actually cranking out the stuff, but I do feel sorry for the poor sod who thinks they can safely download it...

Only to find a knock on the door from the fuzz.  Usually law enforcement doesn't go after the small time collector or it would be like busting pot smokers.  I've seen the LEO facilities where they can see someone downloading images in realtime.  You see these images are catalogued and have hash markings that make them as obvious as painting yourself blaze orange and walking naked down the street.  The penalties are also pretty draconian and include being civilly sued.  So, not only do you face the humiltation of arrest, conviction, being sentenced, registering as a sex offender, you are also looking at a bill of up to US$150k per image!

Ouch!


I mentioned in my previous post on this topic that:

Depictions of even a clothed child can violate law (E.g.,18 U.S.C. §§ 2252(a)(2), (4) and 2256(2)(E)) if they constitute "lascivious" exhibitions of the genitalia or pubic area. The 10th Circuit Court of Appeals has defined "lascivious" as "tending to excite lust; lewd; indecent; obscene; sexual impurity; tending to deprave the morals in respect to sexual relations."

So, my question is are the depictions such that they are "tending to excite lust". Although, that is a pretty vague concept. Is a picture of child in a long flannel granny nightgown sitting with her legs spread child pornography even if you can't see anything? What exactly excites lust. Could this picture excite lust? I mean her pose seems a bit coquettish to me.

Could this picture of Brittany Murphy be considered child pornography since the subject doesn't really even need to be a child either?  Better yet, I've posted this picture of Alice Liddell: is it chiild pornography using the definition?  Sure, Carroll produced more juicy pics which I am not going to post here, but you can see if you are so inclined (or even if you are just curious).   I mean Plate III could be within the definition of child pornography.  Although, has the statute of limitations passed given these images are 150 years old?

For those not in the know, Rev. Charles Dodgson, AKA Lewis Carroll, took pictures of nude little girls. I'll post the Alice pic here even though that is pretty racy as well, but not as racy as the one of Evelyn Hatch. We can't say too much about this portion of his work since approximately 60% of his original photographic portfolio is now missing.  Although one can speculate Could some "lucky" collector who happens to turn up these pictures be in for some serious legal headaches?

I have to admit to seriously speculating on Dodgson's paedophila given that his relationship with Alice Liddell was "expunged".  The family burned the letters and Dodgson "deleted" his diary entries for that period.  Leaving us with a picture that could earn the good Reverend a stint in choky from suspicious minds.

I will also add in the painting Making a Train by Seymour Joseph Guy which could fit the definition of child pornography.  Especially since the blurb mentions "The commingling of sexual allure and girlish innocence was prevalent in Guy's era, as seen in photographs by Lewis Carroll and Julia Margaret Cameron."  Personally, I found the fact that one can stare at naked women all days in an art museum, yet get in trouble for girlie magazines to be a bit of hypocracy.  In this case, one can stare at a "salacious" picture of a little girl in a museum.

So, technically the Alice Liddell pic could be "kiddie porn" although we again wish for John Mortimer to help straighten out this mess.  Although, I think he would be proud of my record in this regard to toot my own horn.  But where does the line get drawn between art and pornography, a dangerous collector and just some idiot who thought he could get away at looking at kiddie porn?  Does the law need to be so draconian for someone who possesses an image or two who isn't the threat that is posed by the relative who turns molestation into an cottage industry?

Don't forget that the book Show Me! has been considered child pornography. So, watch out if you have a copy lying about your house!

More BBC Station closings

It seems that Radio 6 and The BBC Asian network are the two stations up for the axe. It really hit me that The BBC Asian network is getting the axe as a fan of the The BBC Asian network Chart Show. I'm sure a fair amount of tweets came from the announcement of the The BBC Asian network biting the dust.

The BBC Asian network is available online, which means that there is a larger audience than just the UK Desi crowd (and non-Desi fans of Asian music like me). Internet radio has ensured that the Beeb is a world broadcasting source. In fact, internet radio is really where the world service does most of its work. The Beeb no longer broadcasts directly to the US (or so I believe) since the Internet is a much better way to transmit. There are still transmissions to non connected areas, but the Internet is quickly replacing short wave radio broadcasts.

So, I am glad that the word is getting out about the The BBC Asian network's impending closure.

For White Rabbit

It seems Tim Burton has done yet another remake of Rev. Dodgson's paedophiliac paeon to Alice Liddell. I keep wondering if some poor collector will get done for having some of his pics of Alice and need either of our services to beat a kiddie porn rap.

Oh dear, it seems that Michael Sheen is playing the White Rabbit in this œuvre. well, it beats Tony the Weasel, which he played rather eerily in the Queen.

Another load of famous thespians to make me wonder if this would really be worth the dosh to see. Although, it is getting good reviews, but I think they pay for those. BUt I do have to wonder when I see the likes of Tim Pigott-Smith, Alan Rickman, Matt Lucas, Stephen Fry, Timothy Spall, Paul Whitehouse, and Anne Hathaway (I thought she was dead and buried in Stratford-Upon-Avon). Although, I wouldn't mind dating Anne if I could get over the concept.  I like the chat up line: "Hey, babe, You've gotta go out with me--I'm from Stratford-upon-Avon!

Of course, John Profumo could also use that line on her as well. Oh, he was just our MP.

BTW, Dodgson was another old Rugbean. Tim Pigott-Smith didn't go to Rugby, but was a townie. I think one of his kin was an old boy during my first year, which made the Merrick character even more evil in my mind. Although, should I ever meet Tim, I will play him John Handy's Rainbow and tell him it's the Raj Quartet. He should appreciate that.

BBC Top Tweet!

It came to my attention that the BBC (yes, THE British Broadcasting Corporation) is one of the top tweets. One source said it was number one and the other at 6th and 8th position. Perhaps source one combined the second sources tweets to give the Beeb number one status. Either way, I had to verify this weird factoid as a lifelong Beeb fan.

Nevermind that the Beeb itself says that Twitter tweets are 40% 'babble'. I also become a true Luddite when it comes to things such as Twitter. I am a quasi-Luddite when it comes to modern technology, grudgingly accepting some things (e.g., computers, blogs, and e-mail). Otherwise going whole hog about things such as the internet, MP3 players, and PVRs (I include iPlayer in that category). Anything which gives me access to "Culture" wherever I may be is more than acceptable to me. The BBC's motto is "Nation Shall Speak Peace Unto Nation" which strikes a chord in me.

Anyway, part of the reason for all the Tweets is that the BBC has announced budget cutbacks. It has proposed closing two radio stations (The closing of Radio 6 causing a fair amount of tweets), half its website, and cut spending heavily on imported American programmes (not much of a loss in my opinion) in an overhaul of services to be announced next month.



Personally, I think the Beeb should introduce external licence fees for all those people who use proxy server to access iPlayer from outside the UK. Sure, there's a get out clause about people who watch delayed programmes which is hinted at in this blurb:

If you watch or record television programmes as they're being shown on TV you must, by law, be covered by a TV Licence, no matter what device you're using.

Go a little further on the licencing fees website and you see:

However, you don’t need to be covered by a licence if you’re only using ‘on-demand’ services to watch programmes after they have been shown on TV. So, you need a licence to watch any channel live online, but you wouldn’t need one to use BBC iPlayer to catch up on an episode of a programme you missed, for example.

Although, I did have a detector van person knock on my door and ask if I had a Television 20 years ago. I told him that I didn't, but I did have a computer. That was before access to the internet was widespread. Britain didn't have much in the ways of dial-up BBSs either at that time. Soooo...

Anyway, The people using iPlayer as more than just a "catch up service", but as their primary source for receiving the Beeb should be able to access the service directly. Of course, that gets in to all those DRM aspects that I personally detest: in particular, region coded DVDs (or other region blocked material). There are so many ways to get around these things that most Blu-Ray discs AREN'T region coded. So, region coding with me is a topic that truly raises my hackles, but it is also very easy to circumvent. Information should be without borders: especially music and other artistic performances.

So, if the good people at the Beeb would listen to me, maybe they may consider making iPlayer a pay service without borders and time limits. How many Americans are going to want to watch Rab C. Nesbitt? Better yet, how many can understand what he's saying? It's idiotic to make Rab C. Nesbitt DVDs (or other shows with "limited appeal") region coded to the UK or Antipodes (DVD regions 2 and 4). And BBC America is a joke (along with being part of the Discovery Network). If the Beeb won't look to other sources of income, they should stop bitching about licence fees.

Or being broke.

Personally, I'd pay to be able to download from iPlayer if they would cut the DRM crap. Otherwise, get-iplayer does the trick quite nicely for me: especially since get_iplayer gets rid of the DRM!

And while we're at it...

I'd be real careful if I eat a cucumber sandwich at her house




Thanks to white rabbit, but I couldn't post it in the comments. Although, I'll give it a try.

CPS announces new rules for assisted suicide.

I mentioned that there was mention of assisted suicide in Britain following two cases Kay Gilderdale and Frances Inglis along with Sir Terry Pratchett's  announcement that he has Alzheimers and wants the ability to commit assisted suicide. in a previous post

The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) just came out with new rules about this
http://www.cps.gov.uk/publications/prosecution/assisted_suicide_policy.html

Which is reiterated a little better for laymen at http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article7040839.ece. I say a little better since they basically repeat what the CPS says.

As I said in my previous post, I think that if we can give my pet a humane and painless death, we should be able to allow a human the same courtesy. So, I am glad to see that the CPS has come out with these new guidelines.

CAPTION CONTEST!

Original Title was "No Comment"

From Talking Points Memo via Right Wing Watch

New Image!

It seems that elections are coming up everywhere! The UK is looking forward to a general election with Gordon Brown announcing the Labour strategy and David Cameron attempting to be "cool". While the British elections aren't as interminable as the US ones are...YET--we do have this build up going on that makes me have this yearning for dictatorship. At least they don't have elections.

The US ones never seem to end. They are campaigning for the next election before the one election has even begun (e.g., they have been campaigning for the 2012 and 2016 presidential elections since 2007). We all know the date when the next "mid-term" election will take place (early November), yet they have been busily going on since lord knows when. And all that takes MONEY!

The British elections are sort of Secret, we know there is a general one coming up sometime this year. It's due because even though Gordon and Dave have been "electioneering", they haven't actually called one and time is running out for the current Brown Government! They have to call an election sometime soon, or we will all be bored as hell with their twaddle. Not to mention the pre-election warm ups on the News getting us prepped for what the issues will be (the fact that everyone is pretty much skint--including the government).

At least they deal with the issues. Unlike in the US where "Conservative" politicians are all talk about "tax and spend", yet the same people who talk that rubbish are working to ensure loads of government money for their constituencies. Not to mention they have done fuck all for about the wars they started.

I am a reluctant lefty, especially by US standards. In the US, Richard Nixon would be considered a liberal these days looking at the programmes he advocated (and the current republicans work to dismantle)!

So, with that said, I now take Alan B'Stard as my new mascot!  And Thanks to White Rabbit from whom I grabbed the Tory ad as it seemed so appropriate to this post.  If Alan B'Stard can become Labour, why can't Tony the Weasel become a Tory.

Tony the Tory!

Tea Parties!

There is all this talk in the US of the Tea Party movement.

I think a proper Devon Cream Tea is the way to go. In fact, I'm all for it.

I strongly suggest Hanson's, 2 Cathedral Close, Exeter EX1 1EZ (1392-276-913) for a nice Devon Cream tea. Sure, the place is full of grockles, but it's been around for ages. Lovely and quaint. Although, I've never personally eaten there.

If you can't, or won't, go to Exeter, you can always make your own cream tea. A traditional Devon cream tea is comprised of two scones, strawberry jam, clotted cream and a cup of tea.

Simply split the scones in half
Cover with a thick layer of strawberry jam.
Top with large spoonful of Devon cream
Serve on your best china plates.

It is important that the scones be warm (ideally, freshly baked), clotted cream (not whipped), and that the jam be strawberry (although raspberry jam is sometimes used as an alternative. Butter should never be included. Clotted cream is a bit like butter in consistency, which is why butter isn't served. The tea should be served with milk. Some people put the clotted cream on the scone first and top it with the jam. My personal favourite is put the jam on the scone and then clotted cream, but that's partly to do with the way I was brought up.

If it’s a summer afternoon then why not sit out in the garden and enjoy your cream tea.

Sadly all this clotted cream is not good for the waistline, however a little now and then is good for the soul.

Interesting

I took part in a study on aphasia when I was at University. They would insert odd things in a sentence and see how long it took me to spot the discrepancy. One sentence was "she went into the forest where she was scared by a tick". Of course, that was a bit difficult since people ARE scared by ticks because of Lyme disease.

But in that vein, I bring you.

Only great minds can read this

If you can raed this, you have a uunsaul mnid too!

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it

Well, Shakespeare never spelled his name the same way twice! COnsistant spelling was a late 18th- early 19th Century invention.

US Weather man goes insane on TV!

Thanks to Charon QC for this vid


Weatherman Freaking Out Over DC Snowpocalypse
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I wonder what Steve at Steve's Regional News Caps would think of this. The Yank is definitely not Laura Tobin!

Avoiding the Superbowl!

Mudflap Bubbas was curious about my comment:

I have literally traveled to the ends of the world to avoid the superbowl only to hear the results broadcast on foreign shortwave. I think I have managed to find a way to avoid it this year.

She asked: How did you manage to get away from all the Super Bowl stuff? I am really curious. Find a secluded cave that you need to share with some of us?

Ah, the joys of the new technology! In particular, the Joy of BBC iPlayer and the internet.

Find something such as Radio Nederland or some other world service (I can't comment on al-Jazerra, but they may be a good source of entertainment) and stay away form US media. Also, DVDs that don't feature the Superbowl. Although, my bliss was destroyed in 1986 when I was in Bonaire and the BBC World Service announced the Superbowl Score.

You can be safe by avoiding any mass media outlet and be your own source of entertainment for the weekend. But here are some suggestions for American Souls who don't want to watch the Superbowl:
al-Jazerra--It's the 31st Anniversay of the Islamic takeover in Iran, perhaps you will be treated to them burning football players in effigy
BBC iPlayer
ITV has a similar service to iPlayer where you can watch Secret Diary of a Call Girl and similar trash!
Channel 4 has 4oD: Channel 4 is a weird hybrid of the Beeb and ITV which means it can have gems such as Time Team along with crap such as Desperate Housewives.

Someone once said there were around 176 Time Team episodes out there, which means you could have a marathon watching them all on 4oD. Although, you may have dreams about Baldric having a cunning plan to dig up your back garden (Tony Robinson, aka Baldric from Black Adder, is the Time Team presenter).

It seems that PBS also has a Time Team.

Now, White Rabbit has me going...

with his latest post, upon which I expanding my comment here about needing to dig out that old post card with the caption "Un baiser de Bruxelles". Here it is!


(perfect for Euroskeptics)

Actually, I thought of an ex-girlfriend who was a French teacher when I bought it. She taught at a "Christian School", which was rather amusing since she was the least Christian person I knew (She even said I was more of a Christian than she was). Anyway, she clued me in on this little double entendre during our weekends when we acted like a couple of rabbits.

It seems baiser had a different meaning a la fin du siècle dernier (let's parler franglais: dixneufieme, not vingtieme). Although, the Euroskeptic connotation would involve either some form of the words merde or chier since the use of baiser is along the lines of 18th century writiers talking about "making love". Although, one remembers hordes of third and fourth form lads sniggering as they read Jane Austen when I was a schoolboy.

Anyway, google up "un baiser de carte postale" for all sorts of fun cartes postales.




One can only wonder what they were thinking. Although it does remind me of the Squeeze song "Pulling Mussels from the Shell".

Assisted Suicide

There has been talk in the UK about assisted suicide, or assisted death: in particular the cases of Kay Gilderdale and Frances Inglis. Also, Sir Terry Pratchett, fantasy author (the Discworld and Truckers series, amongst others), has announced that he has Alzheimers and wants assisted suicide. I think that if we can give my pet a humane and painless death, we should be able to allow a human the same courtesy.

Kay Gilderdale is now calling for a change in the laws regarding assisted death. This makes sense since those with money are already able to travel to Switzerland. This points out a disparity in the law that those with money can leave the jurisdiction to end their lives.

Similarly, laws against abortion only harmed the poor since the wealthy were able to find alternative sources to the illegal back alley abortions.

Assisted death should be a legal option for those who wish for it in a civilised country. That absolutely isn’t to say assisted death should be forced upon anybody, or even encouraged, merely that the option should be available to those who a) are suffering from a condition from which they cannot recover, and b) expressly desire it.

Some opponents of assisted death argue that man should not “play God”. As Sir Terry says, “the problem with the God argument is that it works only if you believe in God”. Legalising assisted death need have no impact on the lives of those who do believe in God: they can go on dying as naturally as God intended. But it should be there for those who don’t believe in God, and yearn desperately for the salvation of assisted death, a salvation that God tends not to offer.

ed. I had originally called him just plain old Terry Pratchett, but decided to call him SIR Terry Pratchett. Why not?

Spam in Garlic

I mentioned Thomas Tallis's Spem in Alium in a previous post. As I said:

there is a cartoon where the person is saying "Not many people pirate CDs of Buxtehude" (although I did hear that Tallis's Spem in Alium was pirated as Spam in Allium, or Spam in Garlic in translation--not sure if that was a joke or not after this reference).

The reference in question is this:

let me explain that, although Spem in Alium (Processed ham in garlic) is written for 40 voices, and New College has only 33 singers, they do, for this one item, call in the reserves - another 7 voices.

Which has me wondering: what is the origins of this anecdote? I searched the Internet to learn its genesis, but came up with comments such as these:
http://forum.casebook.org/showthread.php?t=3698&page=5

...or "Spam in Allium" ("Spam in garlic"), as it once appeared printed in the Radio Times.

No, the magazine in question that I mentioned was a specialty hi-fi mag (Hi-Fi News or Hi-Fi Choice), not Radio Times.

http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/006812.html

#167 ::: Dan Layman-Kennedy ::: (view all by) ::: September 20, 2005, 09:41 PM:

If I ever open up one of those fancy sandwich shops where the sandwiches are all named after someone, one of the featured items will be processed canned pork product served with sliced onions, garlic and leeks.
I'm calling it the Thomas Tallis.
*ducks, runs*

#169 ::: Karl T. ::: (view all by) ::: September 20, 2005, 10:38 PM:

Lucy, one of Mr Tallis's most famous compositions is a 40-part motet known as Spem in Alium (Latin for "hope in others.")
I suspect that Dan was making a Spam/Spem pun, with the addition of some sort of a pun on "alium" in the Latin name for the vegetables involved.
Many apologies if this explanation ruins the joke for anyone else.
Dan, the pun was good/bad enough to make me wince, if that's your preferred form of applause.

So, still no idea, perhaps a musicologist will set me straight on the origin of Spam in Garlic. Until that time, I am afraid that the origin of this musical in-joke will remain a mystery.

This Monty Python sketch is a bit cliche, but apropos:

Monty Python - Spam
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Comment policy

Now that I am accepting comments, I thought I would put out a policy.

I have always had the policy that "can offer intelligent and constructive comments"

Likewise I have made it clear that I will even just delete comments without even bothering reading them from certain people. I really do just send them to the electric dustbin based upon "handle".

In particular those who are thought adverse since they can't "offer intelligent and constructive comments" by definition. Of course, that doesn't stop them from trying to comment. That is the nature of hubris.

Likewise, try to read my stuff. You will be deleted if you don't have some ideas of where my interests lie. For example, if my last week's posts are about DRM, please don't comment about Brittany Spears. That's a sure road to the electric dustbin as well.

Furthermore, No comments from Anoraks, unless they are intelligent and constructive. Although, Steve may freely comment, especially if he has put up caps of Daljit Dhaliwal or Mishal Husain. I mean what's with him putting up caps of Zeinab Badawi???

Hots for the Smarts

I have this thing for intelligent women as partners (and intelligent people in general as company). So, here's Richard Thompson singing "Hots for the Smarts".

Scots and Tennis

One of my cricket teammates commented that it ruined his Monty Python routine when Coventry won the World Cup in 1987. Likewise, Even though Roger Federer defeated Andy Murray, Andy proved that Scots can play tennis.

Still, here is Myton Python's Science Fiction Sketch

American Voice (very resonant) The Universe consists of a billion, billion galaxies... 77,000,000,000 miles across, and every galaxy is made up of a billion, zillion stars and around these stars circle a billion planets, and of all of these planets the greenest and the pleasantest is the planet Earth, in the system of Sol, in the Galaxy known as the Milky Way ... And it was to this world that creatures of an alien planet came ... to conquer and destroy the very heart of civilization...
Mix into close-up of railway station sign: 'New Pudsey'. Pull out to mid-shot of a couple walking towards camera. They are middle-aged. He (Graham) wears a cricket blazer and grey flannels and a carrier bag. She (Eric) wears a fussy print dress.
American Voice (gently) It was a day like any other and Mr and Mrs Samuel Brainsample were a perfectly ordinary couple, leading perfectly ordinary lives - the sort of people to whom nothing extraordinary ever happened, and not the kind of people to be the centre of one of the most astounding incidents in the history of mankind ... So let's forget about them and follow instead the destiny of this man ... (camera pans off them; they both look disappointed; camera picks up instead a smart little business man, in bowler, briefcase and pinstripes) ... Harold Potter, gardener, and tax official, first victim of Creatures from another Planet.
Weird electronic music. Sinister atmosphere. Follow him out of station. Cut-away to flying saucer, over day skyline. Back to Potter as he walks up suburban road. Back to flying saucer. It bleeps as if it has seen its prey and changes direction. Cut back to Potter just about to open his front gate. Shot from over the other side of the road. Cut to flying saucer sending down ray. Potter freezes . . . shivers and turns into a Scotsman with kilt, and red beard. His hand jerks out in front of him and he spins round and scuttles up road in fast motion, to the accompaniment of bagpipe music. Cut to close-up of newspaper with banner headline: 'Man turns into a Scotsman'.
Newsvendor's Voice Read all abaht it! Read all abaht it! Man turns into Scotsman!
Mix through to Potter's front gate. His wife is being interviewed by obvious plainclothes man.
Inspector Mrs Potter - you knew Harold Potter quite well I believe?
Wife Oh yes quite well.
Inspector Yes.
Wife He was my husband.
Inspector Yes. And, er, he never showed any inclination towards being a Scotsman before this happened?
Wife (shocked) No, no, not at all. He was not that sort of person...
Inspector He didn't wear a kilt or play the bagpipes?
Wife No, no.
Inspector He never got drunk at night or bought home black puddings?
Wife No, no. Not at all.
Inspector He didn't have an inadequate brain capacity?
Wife No, no, not at all.
Inspector I see. So by your account Harold Potter was a perfectly ordinary Englishman without any tendency towards being a Scotsman whatsoever?
Wife Absolutely, yes. (suddenly remembering) Mind you he did always watch Dr. Finlay on television.
Inspector Ah-hah! ... Well that's it, you see. That's how it starts.
Wife I beg your pardon?
Inspector Well you see Scottishness starts with little things like that, and works up. You see, people don't just turn into a Scotsman for no reason at all... (goes rigid: with Scots accent:) No further questions!
The words are hardly out of his mouth when he turns into a Scotsman and spins round and disappears up road in fast motion. Pan with him. Cut to bus queue: man in a city suit and bowler hat suddenly changes into a Scotsman with beard, twizzles round and speeds out of shot. Cut to street policeman pointing way for woman with a pram. Suddenly he changes into a Scotsman and scuffles out of shot. She looks aghast for a moment and then she too changes into a Scotsman and hurtles off after him. The baby suddenly develops a beard and the pram follows her. Single shot of black jazz musician in cellar blowing a blues sax solo. He changes and whizzes off. Squad of soldiers being drilled. Suddenly they all change into bearded Scotsmen and race off in unison. Pan with them past sign: 'Welsh Guard'.
Quick animated shot of flying saucer disappearing over city skyline.
Cut to big close-up of passionate kiss. It goes on for some moments. Foggy lens... romantic music. Keep on big close-up as they talk. She is none too intelligent.
She
(Donna Reading) Charles...
Charles Darling...
She Charles...
Charles Darling, darling...
She Charles... there's something I've got to tell you...
Charles What is it darling?
She It's daddy ... he's turned into a Scotsman...
Charles What! Mr Llewellyn?
She Yes, Charles. Help me, please help me.
Charles But what can I do?
She Surely, Charles, you're the Chief Scientist at the Anthropological Research Institute, at Butley Down - an expert in what makes people change from one nationality to another.
Charles So I am! (pull out to reveal they are in a laboratory; he is in a white coat, she is in something absurdly sexy) This is right up my street!
She Oh good.
Charles Now first of all, why would anyone turn into a Scotsman?
She (tentatively) Em, for business reasons?
Charles No, no! Only because he has no control over his own destiny! Look I'll show you...
He presses a button on a control board and a laboratory TV screen lights op with the words 'only because they have no control over their own destinies'.
She I see.
Charles Yes! So this means that some person or persons unknown is turning all these people into Scotsmen...
She Oh, what kind of heartless fiend could do that to a man?
Charles I don't know ... I don't know ... all I know is that these people are streaming north of the border at the rate of thousands every hour. If we don't act fast, Scotland will be choked with Scotsmen...
She Ooh!...
Zoom in on her face. Cut to as many bearded Scotsmen as possible, hurtling through wood in fast motion. Follow them, ending up with skyline shot as per 'Seventh Seal'. They all still have the arm outstretched in front of them and as always they are accompanied by bagpipe music. Shot of border with large notice: 'Scotland Welcomes You'.
American Voice Soon Scotland was full of Scotsmen. The over-crowding was pitiful.
They all dash across harder and then stop abruptly once they're over. They stand around looking lost.
American Voice Three men to a caber.
Cut to three Scotsmen tossing one caber. Cut to Scots wife in bed with bearded husband. Pull back to reveal five other Scotsmen in the bed. Short but brilliant piece of animation from T. Gilliam to show England emptying of people and Scotland filling up, ending with a till sound and a till sign coming up out of England reading: 'Empty'. Track into England. Film of a deserted street. Wind, a dog sniffing, newspaper blowing along street. Close-up sign on shop door 'Gone to lunch Scotland'. Close-up another sign on a shop door.' 'McClosed'. Shop sign: McWoolworths & Co'.
American Voice For the few who remained, life was increasingly difficult.
Man suddenly folds up newspaper and runs round corner. Re-emerges driving bus. Drives it halfway to stop and then leaps out with bus still moving. Runs to stop, and puts out hand. Bus stops. He leaps on, rings bell, runs round to front and drives the bus off again. As bus drives out of frame we just see a couple of Scotsmen flashing past camera with arms outstretched. Pan slowly round empty football stadium. Eventually we pick up a solitary spectator, halfway up and halfway along in stand opposite where the players come out. He suddenly leaps to his feet cheering. Cut to players tunnel and one player emerging and a referee with ball. They kick off. Player goes straight down field and scores.
Spectator disapppointed.
A quick shot of flying saucer again.
Studio: the laboratory again. Charles is looking through microscope, when the door flies open and she bursts in.
She Charles! Thank goodness I've found you! It's mummy!
Charles Hello mummy.
She No, no, mummy's turned into a Scotsman...
Charles Oh how horrible... Will they stop at nothing?
She I don't know - do you think they will?
Charles I meant that rhetorically.
She What does rhetorically mean?
Charles It means, I didn't expect an answer.
She Oh I see. Oh, you're so clever, Charles.
Charles Did mummy say anything as she changed?
She (with an air of tremendous revelation) Yes! she did, now you come to mention it
A long pause as he waits expectantly.
Charles Well, what was it?
She Oh, she said ... 'Them!' (thrilling chord of jangling music and quick zoom into her face) Is there someone at the door?
Charles No ... It's just the incidental music for this scene.
She Oh I see...
Charles 'Them' ... Wait a minute!
She A whole minute?
Charles No, I meant that metaphorically ... 'Them' ... 'Them' ... She was obviously referring to the people who turned her into a Scotsman. If only we knew who 'They' were ... And why 'They' were doing it... Who are 'Them'?
Crashing chord... cut to a small still of a Scottish crofier's cottage on a lonely moor. Slow zoom in on the cottage.
American Voice Then suddenly a clue turned up in Scotland. Mr Angus Podgorny, owner of a Dunbar menswear shop, received an order for 48,000,000 kilts from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda.
Mix to interior of highland menswear shop. An elderly Scottish couple are poring over a letter which they have on the counter. Oil lamps etc.
Mrs Podgorny Angus how are y'going to get 48,000,000 kilts into the van?
Angus I'll have t'do it in two goes.
Mrs Podgorny D'you not ken that the Galaxy of Andromeda is two million, two hundred thousand light years away?
Angus Is that so?
Mrs Podgorny Aye ... and you've never been further than Berwick-on-Tweed...
Angus Aye ... but think o' the money dear ... £18.10.0d a kilt ...that's ... (calculates with abacus) £900,000,000 - and that's without sporrans!
Mrs Podgorny Aye ... I think you ought not to go, Angus.
Angus (with visionary look in his eyes) Aye ... we'd be able to afford writing paper with our names on it... We'd be able to buy that extension to the toilet...
Mrs Podgorny Aye ... but he hasn't signed the order yet, has he?
Angus Who?
Mrs Podgorny Ach ... the man from Andromeda.
Angus Och ... well ... he wasna really a man, d'you ken ...
Creepy music starts to edge in.
Mrs Podgorny (narrowing eyes) Not really a man?
Angus (sweating as the music rises) He was as strange a thing as ever I saw, or ever I hope to see, God willing. He was a strange unearthly creature - a quivering, glistening mass...
Mrs Podgorny Angus Podgorny, what do y'mean?
Angus He wasna so much a man as... a blancmange!
Jarring chord.
Police station: a police sergeant is talking over the counter to a girl dressed in a short frilly tennis dress. She holds a racquet and tennis balls.
Sergeant A blancmange, eh?
Girl Yes, that's right. I was just having a game of doubles with Sandra and Jocasta, Alec and David...
Sergeant Hang on!
Girl What?
Sergeant There's five.
Girl What?
Sergeant Five people . . . how do you play doubles with five people?
Girl Ah, well ... we were...
Sergeant Sounds a bit funny if you ask me ... playing doubles with five people...
Girl Well we often play like that... Jocasta plays on the side receiving service...
Sergeant Oh yes?
Girl Yes. It helps to speed the game up and make it a lot faster, and it means Jocasta isn't left out.
Sergeant Look, are you asking me to believe that the five of you was playing doubles, when on the very next court there was a blancmange playing by itself?.
Girl That's right, yes.
Sergeant Well answer me this then - why didn't Jocasta play the blancmange at singles, while you and Sandra and Alec and David had a proper game of doubles with four people?
Girl Because Jocasta always plays with us. She's a friend of ours.
Sergeant Call that friendship? Messing up a perfectly good game of doubles?
Girl It's not messing it up, officer, we like to play with five.
Sergeant Look it's your affair if you want to play with five people ... but don't go calling it doubles. Look at Wimbledon, right? If Fred Stolle and Tony Roche played Charlie Pasarell and Cliff Drysdale and Peaches Bartcowitz... they wouldn't go calling it doubles.
Girl But what about the blancmange?
Sergeant That could play Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband Pip.
Cut back to Podgorny's shop. He and his wife are frozen in the positions in which we left them. They pick up the conversation as if nothing had happened.
Mrs Podgorny Oh, a blancmange gave you an order for 48,000,000 kilts?
Angus Aye!
Mrs Podgorny And you believed it?
Angus Aye, I did.
Mrs Podgorny Och, you're a stupid man, Angus Podgorny.
Angus (getting a little angry) Oh look woman, how many kilts did we sell last year? Nine and a half, that's all. So when I get an order for 48,000,000, I believe it - you bet I believe it.
Mrs Podgorny Even if it's from a blancmange?
Angus Och, woman, if a blancmange is prepared to come 2,200,000 light years to purchase a kilt, they must be fairly keen on kilts. So cease yer prattling woman and get sewing. This could be the biggest breakthrough in kilts since the Provost of Edinburgh sat on a spike. Mary, we'll be rich! We'll be rich!
Mrs Podgorny Oh, but Angus... he hasna given you an earnest of his good faith!
Angus Ah mebbe not but he has gi' me this... (brings out piece of folded paper from sporran)
Mrs Podgorny What is it now?
Angus An entry form for the British Open Tennis Championships at Wimbledon Toon ... signed and seconded.
Mrs Podgorny Och, but Angus, ye ken full well that Scots folk dinna know how to play the tennis to save their lives.
Angus Aye, but I must go though dear, I dinna want to seem ungrateful.
Mrs Podgorny Ach! Angus, I wilna let you make a fool o'yourself.
Angus But I must.
Mrs Podgorny Och, no you'll not ...
Close-up on Angus.
Angus Oh, Mary... (suddenly we hear a strange creaking and a slurping noise; a look of horror comes into his eyes) Oh, oh, Mary! Look out! Look out!
Big close-up of Mrs Podgorny's eyes starting out from head.
Mrs Podgorny Urrgh. It's the blancmange.
Blur focus.
Cut to a desk for police spokesman. A peaked-capped policeman sits there, reading 'The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire' by Googie Withers. He lowers book and talks chattily to camera.
Policeman Oh, now this is where Mr Podgorny could have saved his wife's life. If he'd gone to the police and told them that he'd been approached by unearthly beings from the Galaxy of Andromeda, we'd have sent a man round to investigate. As it was he did a deal with a blancmange, and the blancmange ate his wife. So if you're going out, or going on holiday, or anything strange happens involving other galaxies, just nip round to your local police station, and tell the sergeant on duty - or his wife - of your suspicions. And the same goes for dogs. So I'm sorry to have interrupted your exciting science fiction story ... but, then, crime's our business you know. So carry on viewing, and my thanks to the BBC for allowing me to have this little chat with you. Goodnight. God bless, look after yourselves.
He is hit on the head by knight in suit of armour with raw chicken.
Cut to CID office: a plainclothes detective is sitting in his office. Podgorny is sobbing.
Detective (softly and understandingly) Do sit down, Mr Podgorny... I... I ... think what's happened is ... terribly ... terribly... funny .... tragic. But you must understand that we have to catch the creature that ate your wife, and if you could help us answer a few questions, we may be able to help save a few lives. I know this is the way your wife would have wanted it.
He is sitting on the desk next to Podgorny. Podgorny with superhuman control makes a great effort to stop sobbing.
Angus Aye ... I'll ... do ... my best, sergeant.
Detective (slapping Podgorny) Detective Inspector!
Angus Er, detective inspector.
Detective (getting up and talking sharply and fast) Now then. The facts are these. You received an order for 48,000,000 kilts from a blancmange from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda ... you'd just shown your wife an entry form for Wimbledon, which you'd filled in... when you turned round and saw her legs disappearing into a blancmange. Is that correct?
Angus Yes, sir.
Detective Are you mad?
Angus No, sir.
Detective Well that's a relief. 'Cos if you were, your story would be less plausible. (detective brings out photograph of blancmange) Now then, do you recognize this?
Angus (with a squeak of fear) Oh yes. That's the one that ate my Mary!
Detective Good. His name's Riley... Jack Riley... He's that most rare of criminals ... a blancmange impersonator and cannibal.
Angus But what about the 48,000,000 kilts and the Galaxy of Andromeda?
Detective I'm afraid that's just one of his stories. You must understand that a blancmange impersonator and cannibal has to use some pretty clever stories to allay suspicion.
Angus Then you mean...
Detective Yes.
Angus But...
Detective How?
Angus Yes.
Detective Well...
Angus Not?
Detective I'm afraid so.
Angus Why?
Detective Who knows?
Angus Do you think?
Detective Could be.
Angus But...
Detective I know.
Angus She was...
Detective Yes.
Suddenly, we hear a strange noise. Angus looks frightened. Detective narrows his eyes and walks over to the door.
Detective Good lord what's that? (he opens the door and we get a close-up of his staring eyes) Ah, Riley! Come to give yourself up have you, Riley? (with sudden fear) Eh Riley? Riley! Riley! It's not Riley!
Eating noises. He is dragged out of camera shot. Refocus on Angus ... he averts his eyes as we hear the detective inspector off-screen.
Detective (off-screen) It's an extra-terrestial being! Agggh!
Jarring chord: Angus shuts his eyes.
Cut back to laboratory: she is sitting suggestively on a stool. He is pacing up and down looking intense.
Charles So, everyone in England is being turned into Scotsmen, right?
She Yes.
Charles Now, which is the worst tennis-playing nation in the world?
She Er ... Australia.
Charles No. Try again.
She Australia?
Charles (testily) No... try again but say a different place.
She Oh, I thought you meant I'd said it badly.
Charles No, course you didn't say it badly. Now hurry.
She Er, Czechoslovakia.
Charles No! Scotland!
She Of course.
Charles Now ... now these blancmanges, apart from the one that killed Mrs Podgorny have all appeared in which London suburb?
She Finchley?
Charles No. Wimbledon ... Now do you begin to see the pattern? With what sport is Wimbledon commonly associated?
She is thinking really hard.
Norman Hackforth (off-screen) For viewers at home, the answer is coming up on your screens. Those of you who wish to play it the hard way, stand upside down with your head in a bucket of piranha fish. Here is the question once again.
Charles With what sport is Wimbledon commonly associated?
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'TENNIS'
She Cricket.
Charles No.
She Pelote?
Charles No. Wimbledon is most commonly associated with tennis.
She Of course! Now I see!
Charles Yes, it all falls into place!
She The blancmangcs are really Australians trying to get the rights of the pelota rules from the Czech publishers!
Charles (heavily) No ... not quite ... but, er, just look in here.
He indicates microscope. As she eagerly bends to look into it he picks up a sock filled with sand and without looking strikes her casually over the head with it. She collapses out of sight under desk. He continues to think out loud.
Charles Yes. So these blancmanges, blancmange-shaped creatures come from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda. They order 48,000,000 kilts from a Scottish menswear shop ... turn the population of England into Scotsmen (well known as the worst tennis-playing nation on Earth) thus leaving England empty during Wimbledon fortnight! Empty during Wimbledon fortnight ... what's more the papers are full of reports of blancmanges appearing on tennis courts up and down the country - practising. This can only mean one thing!
Flash up caption quickly:
Voice Over (and CAPTION)
'THEY MEAN TO WIN WIMBLEDON'
Charles They mean to win Wimbledon!
Cut to commentator in his box.
Commentator Well, here at Wimbledon, it's been a most extraordinary week's tennis. The blancmanges have swept the board, winning match after match. Here are just a few of the results: Billie-Jean King eaten in straight sets, Laver smothered whole after winning the first set, and Poncho Gonzales, serving as well as I've never seen him, with some superb volleys and decisive return volleys off the back hand, was sucked through the net at match point and swallowed whole in just under two minutes. And so, here on the final day, there seems to be no players left to challenge the blancmanges. And this could be their undoing, Dan: as the rules of Wimbledon state quite clearly that there must be at least one human being concerned in the final. (we see a three-foot-high blancmange being shepherded onto a tennis court by a Scotsman) Well the blancmange is coming out onto the pitch now, and (suddenly exalted) there is a human with it. It's Angus Podgorny! The plucky little Scottish tailor ... upon whom everything depends. And so it's Podgorny versus blancmange in this first ever Intergalactic Wimbledon!
Cut to the centre court at Wimbledon or if we can't get it, number one will do. Blancmange and Podgorny on opposite sides net. Another blancmange sitting in umpire's chair. Blancmange serves... a real sizzling ace. Podgorny, who in any case is quivering with fear, doesn't see it.
Commentator's Voice And it's blancmange to serve and it's a good one.
Blancmange Umpire Blurb blurble blurb.
Voice Over Fifteen love.
Blancmange serves again, and again Podgorny misses hopelessly and pathetically. Collage of speeded-up versions of blancmange sewing and Podgorny missing. Cut to scoreboard:

BLANCMANGE: 40
PODGORNY: 0

Cut back to the court. Podgorny is serving and each time he fails to hit the ball altogether.
Commentator's Voice And Podgorny fails to even hit the ball ... but this is no surprise as he hasn't hit the ball once throughout this match. So it's 72 match points to the blancmange now... Podgorny prepares to serve again.
Podgorny fails to serve and we see the scoreboard:

BLANCMANGE: 6 6 5 40
PODGORNY: 0 0

Commentator's Voice This is indeed a grim day for the human race, Dan.
Just as Podgorny is about to serve we see Mr and Mrs Brainsample jump onto the court brandishing forks and spoons and with napkins tucked into their necks.
Commentator's Voice But what's this? Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch with spoons and forks... what are they going to do?
Cut to laboratory.
Charles They mean to eat the blancmange.
The girl pulls herself up from where she was slumped by microscope. He knocks her out again with a sand-filled sock. Cut back to Wimbledon. Mr and Mrs Brainsample chasing blancmange and eating it.
Commentator's Voice And they're eating the blancmange ... Yes! The blancmange is leaving the court... it's abandoning the game! This is fantastic!
Cut to Mr and Mrs Brainsample covered in bits of blancmange and licking their fingers.
American Voice Yes it was Mr and Mrs Samuel Brainsample, who, after only a brief and misleadling appearance in the early part of the film, returned to save the Earth ... but why?
Mr Brainsample Oh, well you see we love blancmanges. My wife makes them.
American Voice She makes blancmanages that size?
Mr Brainsample Oh, yes. You see we're from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda, and they're all that size there. We tried to tell you at the beginning of the film but you just panned off us.
Cut back to Podgorny on court still trying to serve; at last he makes contact and runs backward and forward to receive his own services.
American Voice So the world was saved! And Angus Podgorny became the first Scotsman to win Wimbledon... fifteen years later.

Raiding the BBC Archives: DRM, iPlayer, and other things

Anyone familiar with UK TV knows that the powers that be were terrible about archiving shows. It was common UK television practice up until the late 1970s to destroy videotapes because of agreements with actors' and musicians' unions that limited the number of repeats. Fortunately, the policy of wiping recordings ceased in 1978. When Peter Cook learned the series Not Only... But Also was to be destroyed, he offered to buy the tapes from the BBC but was refused because of copyright issues. He then suggested that he purchase new tapes, so that the BBC would have no need to erase the originals, but inexplicably this was also turned down. We are fortunate that some series managed to survive this dark period of ignorance. I believe that some programmes, such as Doctor Who and the Goon Show managed to survive because the tapes were shipped to other countries that were more enlightened regarding archiving (e.g., Canada and Australia).

This wasn't just a UK problem since Lathe of Heaven had various issues regarding its rebroadcast, this was despite it being the most requested PBS programme of all time. Even the remake had to have the Beatles "A Little help from My Friends" redone to enable the show's rerelease. WNET has not said how much it cost to re-release Lathe of Heaven, stating simply that it "wasn't cheap," and that hopefully royalties would help recoup the expense.

Anyway, This comes from one issue I have with iPlayer: they don't archive the shows for very long. The 7 day limit is annoying: especially when they rebroadcast the show. Also, the rebroadcast of Hamlet was in standard def rather than hi-def. The good folks at the Beeb have said that they are making the quality of standard programmes better, which they are. But, hi-def is indeed much clearer, which is important when you are watching the programme on a 1080p 37" LCD-TV! Also, some of the later archived versions of iPlayer vids are signed.

Being signed is acceptable if you are deaf, but it's a bit like watching someone playing charades for those who do not sign. This is especially true since the interpreters tend to emote whilst signing. It could be worse, the described programmes for the blind are a bit annoying as well. The Goons used to point out the advantage of the radio for using your imagination. As they would say "try doing that on Television" after some bizarre description of their activities.

You can find Goon Show Scripts here:
http://www.thegoonshow.net/scripts_alpha.asp
If you are too cheap to buy the books.

The next annoyance is DRM, which isn't limited to iPlayer. Neither is it really relevant since there are ways to get around that nonsense. It seems to me that these people could make more money by allowing people to subscribe to the iPlayer service and download away. Better yet, get rid of the geographic restrictions on this material anyway since that can be circumvented as well.

It's a bit like the cartoon where the person is saying "Not many people pirate CDs of Buxtehude" (although I did hear that Tallis's Spem in Alium was pirated as Spam in Allium, or Spam in Garlic in translation--not sure if that was a joke or not after this reference). How many people are going to pirate Michael Portillo's Great British Railway Journeys? Anyway, it seems that regional encoding has gone the way of the Dodo with blu-ray since people who want to watch programmes such as Michael Portillo's Great British Railway Journeys will do so.

Never underestimate a determined Anorak!

“Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists?”

Thanks to DC weasels:

Very funny video from The Onion. Funny excerpt:

“We should just put corporations in office and cut out the middleman.”

In The Know: Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists?

Thanks, but a little too realistic for my tastes.